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00:00:41,232 --> 00:00:43,116
As we stand here this morning,
2
00:00:43,122 --> 00:00:44,716
in an unknown galaxy,
3
00:00:44,722 --> 00:00:46,996
on the outer reaches
of the solar system,
4
00:00:47,085 --> 00:00:50,192
and I claim this planetoid,
rich in helium seven,
5
00:00:50,198 --> 00:00:52,733
on behalf of the Jupiter
Mining Corporation,
6
00:00:52,739 --> 00:00:56,635
it is only fitting we remember the
generations that came before us.
7
00:00:56,961 --> 00:00:59,621
It is to their memory, their greatness,
8
00:00:59,627 --> 00:01:02,093
their infinite,
glorious accomplishments,
9
00:01:02,099 --> 00:01:04,249
that I humbly name this moon...
10
00:01:04,348 --> 00:01:05,544
Rimmer.
11
00:01:07,448 --> 00:01:09,557
In the same spirit of benevolence,
12
00:01:09,563 --> 00:01:11,404
I've also graciously agreed to lend
13
00:01:11,410 --> 00:01:13,995
my name to the star this moon orbits,
14
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which from this moment
on shall be known as...
15
00:01:16,899 --> 00:01:18,194
Sunny Rim.
16
00:01:22,593 --> 00:01:23,793
Gentlemen,
17
00:01:23,866 --> 00:01:25,097
to Rimmer,
18
00:01:25,103 --> 00:01:27,292
a moon rich in helium seven,
19
00:01:27,298 --> 00:01:29,591
the most valuable gas in the universe.
20
00:01:29,658 --> 00:01:31,092
To Rimmer...
21
00:01:31,581 --> 00:01:33,254
so full of gas.
22
00:01:33,509 --> 00:01:35,113
Sirs, there appears to be
23
00:01:35,119 --> 00:01:37,710
some kind of solar storm
coming in from the west.
24
00:01:37,716 --> 00:01:39,415
You should engage skedaddle mode.
25
00:01:39,421 --> 00:01:41,394
But the helium seven,
we need to mine it.
26
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,221
There's no time, sir!
27
00:01:43,673 --> 00:01:46,033
But helium seven's incredibly scarce.
28
00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:49,836
It's rarer than an un-groped
bottom at the BBC in the 1970s.
29
00:01:50,903 --> 00:01:52,492
It's worth a fortune.
30
00:01:52,498 --> 00:01:54,632
If we ever get back to
Earth, in the 23rd century,
31
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I'll get a finders' fee.
32
00:01:56,113 --> 00:01:57,929
One hour. That's all I'm asking.
33
00:01:57,935 --> 00:01:59,398
But can't you see?
34
00:01:59,404 --> 00:02:01,872
If you're hanging around here
when that storm's bringing,
35
00:02:01,878 --> 00:02:04,610
gonna get wiped! I'm begging you!
36
00:02:04,616 --> 00:02:06,102
Stay!
37
00:02:10,502 --> 00:02:13,902
I'll still be rich beyond my
wildest dreams just with this!
38
00:02:13,908 --> 00:02:15,905
Don't worry. I won't change.
39
00:02:15,911 --> 00:02:17,876
That's the tragedy of it.
40
00:02:26,667 --> 00:02:30,530
Check this. That's no solar
storm. What the hell is it?
41
00:02:30,536 --> 00:02:33,087
Looks like a big
wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing,
42
00:02:33,093 --> 00:02:34,689
and it's heading straight for us!
43
00:02:34,774 --> 00:02:37,789
I want a full space corps-verified
diagnostic on that thing.
44
00:02:37,795 --> 00:02:39,952
- Already printing, sir.
- Well, what is it?
45
00:02:39,958 --> 00:02:43,537
It says, "It's a big
wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing,
46
00:02:43,543 --> 00:02:45,344
and it's heading straight for us!"
47
00:02:46,738 --> 00:02:48,019
Here it comes!
48
00:02:52,893 --> 00:02:55,654
Woo! What the hell just happened?
49
00:02:55,660 --> 00:02:58,469
People have had acid trips that
have made more sense than that.
50
00:02:58,475 --> 00:03:00,963
I've had directions
from drunken Scotsmen
51
00:03:00,969 --> 00:03:02,568
that have made more sense than that.
52
00:03:03,408 --> 00:03:04,675
Any theories?
53
00:03:04,681 --> 00:03:08,240
I believe the ship may have
been hit by a temporal wash
54
00:03:08,246 --> 00:03:09,848
from a time wave, sir.
55
00:03:09,854 --> 00:03:12,341
It's been what, by a what, from a what?
56
00:03:12,347 --> 00:03:14,121
Well, much as a tsunami
57
00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:17,206
is caused by a large displacement
of water in the sea bed,
58
00:03:17,212 --> 00:03:20,972
a time wave is created by
an imploding black hole,
59
00:03:20,978 --> 00:03:24,822
causing space-time to contort
into a series of waves.
60
00:03:25,056 --> 00:03:29,323
Much as a what, causes a
what, into a series of whats?
61
00:03:29,328 --> 00:03:31,512
Now, when the wave moves forward,
62
00:03:31,518 --> 00:03:34,631
artefacts from the past can
be washed up into the present,
63
00:03:34,637 --> 00:03:36,455
and when the wave withdraws,
64
00:03:36,461 --> 00:03:39,744
artefacts from the present can
be swept back into the past.
65
00:03:39,750 --> 00:03:42,320
Sounds like a free ride out of
here. Show me where to stand.
66
00:03:42,326 --> 00:03:44,004
Ah, Sir, whoever is hit
67
00:03:44,010 --> 00:03:47,918
is likely to be swept into an
uninhabitable part of deep space.
68
00:03:47,924 --> 00:03:49,609
Quick, show him where to stand!
69
00:03:50,006 --> 00:03:52,516
We've got to avoid
this wave at all costs.
70
00:03:52,522 --> 00:03:55,186
- How long before the next one?
- Impossible to predict.
71
00:03:55,192 --> 00:03:56,793
So what do we do if this wave shows up?
72
00:03:56,799 --> 00:03:58,172
We'll have to outrun it.
73
00:03:58,178 --> 00:03:59,784
Well maybe if we lost some weight
74
00:03:59,790 --> 00:04:01,978
and jettisoned some unnecessary cargo?
75
00:04:01,984 --> 00:04:04,173
Go stand in the airlock
and leave the rest to me.
76
00:04:05,931 --> 00:04:08,128
Wait, check this in vector four.
77
00:04:08,134 --> 00:04:10,284
There's a ship just
shown up on the scans.
78
00:04:10,290 --> 00:04:11,969
The SS Enconium.
79
00:04:11,975 --> 00:04:13,984
They're from 24th-century Earth,
80
00:04:13,990 --> 00:04:17,161
and their ship possesses
a faster than light drive.
81
00:04:17,167 --> 00:04:18,362
Something's wrong.
82
00:04:18,368 --> 00:04:20,467
They're locked onto a crash course
83
00:04:20,473 --> 00:04:23,057
straight into the
heart of Planet Rimmer!
84
00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:25,066
Are you serious? That's terrible.
85
00:04:25,072 --> 00:04:26,756
Is Planet Rimmer gonna be okay?!
86
00:04:26,762 --> 00:04:29,837
The impact is likely
to cause an explosion,
87
00:04:29,843 --> 00:04:31,930
which could well
ignite the helium seven.
88
00:04:31,936 --> 00:04:33,419
And kill Planet Rimmer?
89
00:04:33,425 --> 00:04:35,877
And kill everything in this vicinity.
90
00:04:35,883 --> 00:04:37,079
Including Planet Rimmer?
91
00:04:37,085 --> 00:04:38,584
Including everything!
92
00:04:38,590 --> 00:04:40,771
We need to board that
ship and stop it crashing.
93
00:04:40,777 --> 00:04:42,349
And save Planet Rimmer.
94
00:04:42,355 --> 00:04:43,750
Save the crew.
95
00:04:43,756 --> 00:04:45,073
And Planet Rimmer.
96
00:04:56,224 --> 00:04:58,161
This mechanoid is reversing.
97
00:05:01,684 --> 00:05:03,467
This mechanoid is reversing.
98
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:08,353
How long before we dock, Krytes?
99
00:05:08,359 --> 00:05:09,941
Well, in just thirty minutes, sir.
100
00:05:09,947 --> 00:05:11,830
So I thought now might be a good time
101
00:05:11,836 --> 00:05:14,612
to share the Intel I've
uncovered on the Enconium.
102
00:05:14,618 --> 00:05:17,202
It appears they have
some rather strange laws.
103
00:05:17,208 --> 00:05:18,403
Strange how?
104
00:05:18,409 --> 00:05:21,591
Well, on their ship,
criticism is illegal.
105
00:05:25,247 --> 00:05:28,441
A ship free of criticism,
what a place that must be.
106
00:05:28,576 --> 00:05:30,850
A world where no-one
is blamed or rebuked,
107
00:05:30,856 --> 00:05:32,742
and no-one gets mocked or ridiculed.
108
00:05:32,748 --> 00:05:35,509
That's what they say, but they'll
never hold out after they meet you.
109
00:05:36,617 --> 00:05:39,119
If you screw up and no-one
tells ya, what good's that?
110
00:05:39,125 --> 00:05:40,794
That's easy for you to say, Lister,
111
00:05:40,830 --> 00:05:43,296
but how would you feel if
you were ridiculed every day,
112
00:05:43,302 --> 00:05:45,187
wedgied every night, and sometimes
113
00:05:45,193 --> 00:05:47,966
even had your head shoved down
the toilet and the chain pulled?
114
00:05:47,972 --> 00:05:49,596
But we've stopped doing that now.
115
00:05:50,783 --> 00:05:53,684
Six years old, my parents had to
send me to a different prep school
116
00:05:53,690 --> 00:05:55,474
so I could get my confidence back.
117
00:05:55,873 --> 00:05:58,753
Games weren't competitive
at Saint Trembles.
118
00:05:59,668 --> 00:06:01,334
So what did you do on sports day?
119
00:06:01,340 --> 00:06:05,136
Sports day, 100 metres, you could
run in any direction you wanted,
120
00:06:05,142 --> 00:06:08,312
or paint a picture, or
stay at home and watch TV.
121
00:06:09,098 --> 00:06:12,607
And everyone got a "You're Really
Special" trophy and a party bag.
122
00:06:13,509 --> 00:06:14,995
Rimmer, you've gotta roll with it.
123
00:06:15,001 --> 00:06:17,686
You get knocked down, you get
back up again, and you slug it out.
124
00:06:17,692 --> 00:06:19,616
If I'd have got upset
with every bit of criticism
125
00:06:19,622 --> 00:06:21,307
I ever got, where do
you think I'd be now?
126
00:06:21,313 --> 00:06:22,702
Not single, not podgy,
127
00:06:22,708 --> 00:06:26,083
and probably not doomed to roam
deep space with a terrible haircut!
128
00:06:26,089 --> 00:06:27,793
Sirs! Please.
129
00:06:27,975 --> 00:06:29,665
When the board the Enconium,
130
00:06:29,671 --> 00:06:31,807
we must remember to respect their laws
131
00:06:31,813 --> 00:06:33,692
and not criticise each other.
132
00:06:33,698 --> 00:06:35,906
- How long we gotta hold out?
- Just an hour, sir.
133
00:06:35,912 --> 00:06:37,573
A whole hour? In that case,
134
00:06:37,579 --> 00:06:40,155
you better pack earplugs
and six rolls of duct tape.
135
00:06:40,660 --> 00:06:43,738
I wonder why the Enconium
made criticism illegal?
136
00:06:43,921 --> 00:06:46,023
Well, according to their data banks,
137
00:06:46,029 --> 00:06:47,920
they believe when people criticise,
138
00:06:47,926 --> 00:06:50,684
they feel esteem-inflating superiority,
139
00:06:50,690 --> 00:06:52,379
which causes the pleasure chemical
140
00:06:52,385 --> 00:06:54,200
dopamine to be released in the brain.
141
00:06:54,206 --> 00:06:55,401
And dopamine's bad?
142
00:06:55,407 --> 00:06:58,171
Too much dopamine is
like taking cocaine, sir.
143
00:06:58,177 --> 00:07:01,326
It over-excites the
receptors between brain cells,
144
00:07:01,332 --> 00:07:04,521
causing hyperactivity
and engorged self-worth.
145
00:07:04,527 --> 00:07:07,794
So people who criticise
get high on criticism?
146
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:09,350
It seems they become addicted,
147
00:07:09,356 --> 00:07:11,429
needing to criticise more and more
148
00:07:11,435 --> 00:07:13,334
to produce the same original high.
149
00:07:13,340 --> 00:07:15,077
This explains so much!
150
00:07:15,242 --> 00:07:16,437
Junkie!
151
00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,141
But criticism can be good, can't it?
152
00:07:20,147 --> 00:07:22,839
I mean, it forces
people to become better.
153
00:07:22,845 --> 00:07:25,525
Well, not always, sir. I mean, take you.
154
00:07:27,403 --> 00:07:28,598
What about me?
155
00:07:28,604 --> 00:07:32,226
Well, as a guitarist, you've
been criticised, belittled,
156
00:07:32,232 --> 00:07:35,934
decried, vilified, panned,
and slammed your whole life!
157
00:07:35,940 --> 00:07:37,409
And your point is?
158
00:07:37,415 --> 00:07:39,807
You still utterly suck, sir!
159
00:07:41,778 --> 00:07:43,526
No, I don't!
160
00:07:43,532 --> 00:07:45,107
I mean, okay, fair play,
161
00:07:45,113 --> 00:07:47,597
back in the day, I was a
bit of a tone deaf plucker.
162
00:07:47,603 --> 00:07:49,883
But I took that criticism on board,
163
00:07:49,889 --> 00:07:52,986
and dedicated myself to
getting better. And now... ha!
164
00:07:52,992 --> 00:07:56,451
So long plucker, hello,
Davey Three Chords!
165
00:08:19,397 --> 00:08:21,765
"Joureny to the Stars".
166
00:08:21,771 --> 00:08:23,647
_
167
00:08:23,653 --> 00:08:25,257
Ah, look at that one.
168
00:08:26,059 --> 00:08:27,864
Have they got little
kids on board, as well?
169
00:08:28,431 --> 00:08:32,850
"By First Lieutenant Edward
Moore, age 34 and a half."
170
00:08:34,316 --> 00:08:36,973
So everything these guys
do, no matter how garbage,
171
00:08:36,979 --> 00:08:39,536
- gets to go on the wall?
- Just like at Saint Trembles.
172
00:08:40,051 --> 00:08:41,366
And the Tate Modern.
173
00:08:44,021 --> 00:08:46,535
The frames aren't even
straight. I hate that.
174
00:08:46,541 --> 00:08:47,958
Hey guys, check this.
175
00:08:47,964 --> 00:08:49,857
Howl at the moon!
176
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:53,825
You will learn that we are
all part of the tree of life.
177
00:08:53,831 --> 00:08:55,516
And on the tree,
178
00:08:55,522 --> 00:08:58,153
you are a fruit!
179
00:08:58,721 --> 00:09:02,424
I am fruit, a lovely fruit,
let me play the flute!
180
00:09:07,979 --> 00:09:09,667
Let me remind you gentlemen,
181
00:09:09,673 --> 00:09:12,425
that what we're all thinking
right now is illegal here.
182
00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:15,221
My friends!
183
00:09:15,910 --> 00:09:18,523
Uh, duct tape on standby, sirs.
184
00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:23,520
Welcome to our ship. Now,
my name is Ziggy Briceman.
185
00:09:23,526 --> 00:09:26,617
Apologies for not returning
your handshake, but
186
00:09:26,623 --> 00:09:29,005
our communication
system is being repaired,
187
00:09:29,011 --> 00:09:31,940
and the hairdressers who are
carrying out the work haven't quite
188
00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:33,550
determined what's wrong yet.
189
00:09:33,556 --> 00:09:37,323
Oh, also our lifts are being
serviced by the catering department,
190
00:09:37,329 --> 00:09:39,977
so therefore; to the stairs!
191
00:09:39,983 --> 00:09:42,231
Wouldn't it be better if
your lifts were serviced
192
00:09:42,237 --> 00:09:43,667
by the lift service people?
193
00:09:43,673 --> 00:09:47,134
0h, unfortunately they're all
too busy working at the hospital,
194
00:09:47,140 --> 00:09:49,734
trying to figure out why
no-one's getting better.
195
00:09:50,830 --> 00:09:52,719
This way, my friends.
196
00:09:52,725 --> 00:09:54,422
I don't know if you're aware,
197
00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:57,300
but you've been washed up three
million years into deep space,
198
00:09:58,733 --> 00:10:02,012
and you're on a crash course
straight into a helium seven moon.
199
00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:05,603
I love your accent!
200
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:09,898
It is cuter than a
kitten with a toilet roll.
201
00:10:10,962 --> 00:10:13,666
Now, let me take you along to our diner,
202
00:10:13,672 --> 00:10:16,574
and then I'm going to hunt
down our Captain, okay?
203
00:10:16,580 --> 00:10:17,975
This way!
204
00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:21,672
What the hell's he doing?
205
00:10:21,936 --> 00:10:24,571
At best guess, the Enconium crew
206
00:10:24,577 --> 00:10:28,578
are encouraged to express themselves
without fear of scorn or ridicule.
207
00:10:28,584 --> 00:10:31,150
Ha, bring back scorn and
ridicule, that's what I say.
208
00:10:31,156 --> 00:10:32,540
Sir, please.
209
00:10:32,546 --> 00:10:35,212
Didn't we talk about
respecting other cultures?
210
00:10:35,218 --> 00:10:37,489
When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
211
00:10:55,956 --> 00:10:57,658
Hey bud, you should stick around,
212
00:10:57,664 --> 00:10:59,954
the Om Song could go platinum here.
213
00:11:03,237 --> 00:11:05,461
I love the atmosphere, it's so relaxing.
214
00:11:05,467 --> 00:11:08,044
No-one cares if you're
right or wrong, good or bad,
215
00:11:08,050 --> 00:11:09,267
maybe they're onto something.
216
00:11:09,273 --> 00:11:12,218
I mean, take me... back in the
day I mis-repaired a drive plate
217
00:11:12,224 --> 00:11:14,024
and killed over a thousand people.
218
00:11:14,029 --> 00:11:15,406
Now, in our culture,
219
00:11:15,412 --> 00:11:17,804
that sort of thing is
really frowned upon.
220
00:11:18,294 --> 00:11:20,603
But here, you just... move on.
221
00:11:20,609 --> 00:11:22,902
Ah! Here's your coffee, sir.
222
00:11:22,908 --> 00:11:25,777
- Be careful, it's very, very hot.
- Ahh!
223
00:11:25,783 --> 00:11:27,774
Ooh! Whoops-a-daisy.
224
00:11:28,406 --> 00:11:31,921
She's just broiled my love
spuds and doesn't even say sorry.
225
00:11:31,927 --> 00:11:33,416
She's moved on.
226
00:11:34,291 --> 00:11:35,697
Look at the state of me.
227
00:11:35,703 --> 00:11:37,475
Okay. Here we are.
228
00:11:37,481 --> 00:11:39,457
I have one processed sausage...
229
00:11:40,018 --> 00:11:41,595
with sprouts in a radish jus,
230
00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:44,067
and one warm goat salad.
231
00:11:44,376 --> 00:11:46,255
We didn't order any food.
232
00:11:46,261 --> 00:11:47,981
And we haven't ordered any drinks.
233
00:11:47,987 --> 00:11:50,722
Though I wouldn't mind ordering
a fresh pair of testicles
234
00:11:50,728 --> 00:11:52,140
'cause these two are ruined.
235
00:11:54,258 --> 00:11:55,613
Are you criticising me?
236
00:11:55,693 --> 00:11:59,973
No, no, no he's not criticising
you, I am. This food looks gross.
237
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:02,333
Critics! Help!
238
00:12:02,338 --> 00:12:03,801
Let's get out of here.
239
00:12:03,807 --> 00:12:06,549
Easter Island head's right,
let's scoot while we still can.
240
00:12:06,555 --> 00:12:08,176
Yeah, come on. Back to Starbug.
241
00:12:08,181 --> 00:12:10,363
Nothing works here,
especially the people!
242
00:12:27,282 --> 00:12:28,592
Good evening, sir.
243
00:12:28,676 --> 00:12:29,995
Evening, officer.
244
00:12:30,001 --> 00:12:31,856
Do you know why I've
pulled you over, sir?
245
00:12:31,992 --> 00:12:34,084
No. No, haven't got a clue. No.
246
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:37,046
Been doing any criticising
this evening, sir?
247
00:12:37,422 --> 00:12:39,739
Criticising? No, not at all, no.
248
00:12:39,745 --> 00:12:42,747
Well, it's just that we had a
report of some illegal castigation
249
00:12:42,753 --> 00:12:44,719
in the diner this evening, sir.
250
00:12:45,032 --> 00:12:46,540
What about you lads?
251
00:12:46,913 --> 00:12:50,016
- You been doing any criticising this evening?
- No, no.
252
00:12:50,898 --> 00:12:52,795
A little bit of chiding, perhaps?
253
00:12:52,801 --> 00:12:54,138
Chiding, no.
254
00:12:54,144 --> 00:12:56,016
- How about blaming, sir?
- No.
255
00:12:56,022 --> 00:12:58,624
- Harping? Little bit of panning?
- No.
256
00:12:58,630 --> 00:13:00,423
- Not even scoffing?
- Nothing.
257
00:13:00,429 --> 00:13:03,402
Wouldn't mind blowing into this
criticiser for me, then, will you sir?
258
00:13:04,167 --> 00:13:05,484
You what?
259
00:13:05,686 --> 00:13:07,901
Go on, blow as hard as you can.
260
00:13:13,743 --> 00:13:15,646
You got a readin' of 95, sir.
261
00:13:15,652 --> 00:13:17,749
Is that good? Bad? What does that mean?
262
00:13:17,755 --> 00:13:20,621
It means that your friend is way
over the criticism limit, sir.
263
00:13:20,738 --> 00:13:22,814
I may have to take him
down to the station.
264
00:13:22,820 --> 00:13:24,895
Now wait a minute!
265
00:13:24,901 --> 00:13:26,768
- You telling me to wait, sir?
- Well, yes.
266
00:13:26,774 --> 00:13:29,801
Implying that I am going too
fast and therefore criticising me?
267
00:13:29,807 --> 00:13:31,781
- Look...
- Are you telling me to look?!
268
00:13:32,782 --> 00:13:36,404
Insinuating that my attention isn't
focused in the correct direction?
269
00:13:36,473 --> 00:13:40,280
- Therefore implying that my focus...
- I am not criticising you, okay?
270
00:13:40,286 --> 00:13:43,566
Look, we're here to warn you that
your ship is on a collision course
271
00:13:43,572 --> 00:13:46,069
with a very important
moon called Planet Rimmer.
272
00:13:47,561 --> 00:13:49,432
I'm gonna let you off with a caution.
273
00:13:49,438 --> 00:13:50,636
Caution?!
274
00:13:50,979 --> 00:13:52,648
How dumb is this guy?
275
00:14:00,937 --> 00:14:02,131
Hey!
276
00:14:02,136 --> 00:14:04,165
Lieutenant Asshole,
277
00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:09,337
If you don't move your
dumb-ass spaceship,
278
00:14:09,343 --> 00:14:13,116
we're gonna be flatter than your
wife's droopy-ass titties, capisce?
279
00:15:01,466 --> 00:15:04,393
Wait a minute! Why have you
taken his straight-jacket off?!
280
00:15:04,399 --> 00:15:06,966
While he's in here, he's not
a danger to anyone, is he?
281
00:15:06,972 --> 00:15:08,400
Well, he is to us.
282
00:15:08,479 --> 00:15:10,178
No-one cares about you.
283
00:15:10,298 --> 00:15:13,790
Don't talk to him. Don't make eye
contact, pretend he's not here.
284
00:15:13,878 --> 00:15:15,989
All right, mate. How you doin'?
285
00:15:16,369 --> 00:15:18,987
I've been better. I'll tell you that.
286
00:15:22,923 --> 00:15:25,346
- How long you in for?
- Life.
287
00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:26,750
What for?
288
00:15:26,756 --> 00:15:27,957
Tutting.
289
00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:31,131
Tutting?
290
00:15:31,710 --> 00:15:33,604
They drove me to it!
291
00:15:35,303 --> 00:15:37,986
I'm in the queue. In the canteen...
292
00:15:37,992 --> 00:15:39,278
queuing.
293
00:15:39,603 --> 00:15:41,903
Finally, I get to the front,
294
00:15:41,909 --> 00:15:43,792
my turn to get served.
295
00:15:43,798 --> 00:15:45,058
And they say,
296
00:15:45,407 --> 00:15:48,240
"Sorry love, we've just closed."
297
00:15:48,411 --> 00:15:49,800
So I go...
298
00:15:53,723 --> 00:15:55,960
You just went "tut", and you got life?!
299
00:15:56,146 --> 00:15:59,393
I just called that cop "Lieutenant
Asshole" so what am I gonna get?!
300
00:16:00,076 --> 00:16:01,594
It don't bare thinkin' about.
301
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:04,268
- They'll probably drain you!
- What's that?
302
00:16:04,274 --> 00:16:06,285
Not that I'm implying there's
anything wrong with draining.
303
00:16:06,291 --> 00:16:07,806
It's probably really lovely.
304
00:16:08,444 --> 00:16:10,047
What the hell are we gonna do?!
305
00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:11,537
We gotta get out of here,
306
00:16:11,543 --> 00:16:13,165
get to the engine room,
307
00:16:13,346 --> 00:16:15,237
and get this ship off the crash course.
308
00:16:15,243 --> 00:16:18,163
- And save Planet Rimmer.
- And save us!
309
00:16:18,347 --> 00:16:20,930
Uh, sir, may I borrow one of your boots?
310
00:16:20,936 --> 00:16:23,730
Kryten, my boots can't cause
diversions like they used to.
311
00:16:23,736 --> 00:16:25,644
He wears Odour Eaters now.
312
00:16:25,952 --> 00:16:29,072
I'm looking for a soil sample,
sir, from that moon this morning...
313
00:16:29,078 --> 00:16:30,354
The helium seven?
314
00:16:30,595 --> 00:16:33,155
Which I can then
fuse with the deuterium
315
00:16:33,161 --> 00:16:35,965
I have in my isotope
sample store in my arm,
316
00:16:35,971 --> 00:16:38,864
and create a small, contained explosion.
317
00:16:39,576 --> 00:16:42,743
Why do you collect isotope
samples and keep them in your arm?
318
00:16:42,749 --> 00:16:44,002
Well, why do you collect
319
00:16:44,008 --> 00:16:47,191
miniature Napoleonic soldiers
and keep them in your locker?
320
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:49,721
You're weird.
321
00:16:49,727 --> 00:16:50,927
I'm weird?
322
00:16:51,104 --> 00:16:54,319
At least my isotope collection
could come in useful.
323
00:16:54,406 --> 00:16:55,842
Next time we're in a jam
324
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,728
and one of your Sixth
Regiment trumpeters saves us,
325
00:16:58,734 --> 00:17:00,621
I'll eat my crevice brush.
326
00:17:01,620 --> 00:17:02,820
There.
327
00:17:03,432 --> 00:17:04,632
Excellent
328
00:17:15,744 --> 00:17:18,750
Here, boys, take me with you!
329
00:17:18,756 --> 00:17:21,303
I promise I'm no danger to
the outside world any more.
330
00:17:21,309 --> 00:17:22,832
I'll never tut again.
331
00:17:31,035 --> 00:17:32,502
Where are you taking us?
332
00:17:32,508 --> 00:17:35,083
Taking you to where all
the worst criticisers go.
333
00:17:35,598 --> 00:17:38,491
The backseat drivers, they're all there.
334
00:17:38,784 --> 00:17:42,593
Surely you can see society
without criticism is utterly...
335
00:17:42,599 --> 00:17:44,237
You don't know what it was like before.
336
00:17:44,490 --> 00:17:46,108
Ship was a shambles.
337
00:17:46,114 --> 00:17:47,577
Everyone arguing,
338
00:17:47,583 --> 00:17:49,582
constantly choosing new captains.
339
00:17:49,784 --> 00:17:53,292
So they brought in the anti-criticism
law to make people more tolerant.
340
00:17:53,669 --> 00:17:57,890
But any smegger can see that
society can't function like that
341
00:17:57,896 --> 00:17:59,736
Yeah, but once they outlawed criticism,
342
00:17:59,742 --> 00:18:01,817
nobody could criticise the criticism law
343
00:18:01,823 --> 00:18:03,843
because it was illegal to criticise!
344
00:18:04,005 --> 00:18:05,450
Idiots.
345
00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:14,712
I just criticised something, didn't I?
346
00:18:15,493 --> 00:18:19,429
Oh, God, I've not done that
for ages, that felt good!
347
00:18:20,325 --> 00:18:21,526
Oh!
348
00:18:22,809 --> 00:18:25,067
Criticising's great, isn't it?!
349
00:18:25,574 --> 00:18:27,407
Gives ya a real lift!
350
00:18:28,450 --> 00:18:30,672
I don't like your shoes, by the way.
351
00:18:30,678 --> 00:18:31,999
Ah!
352
00:18:33,187 --> 00:18:34,996
What's the story with his head?
353
00:18:35,397 --> 00:18:37,101
Looks like something from that TV show,
354
00:18:37,107 --> 00:18:39,235
"When Circumcisions Go Wrong"!
355
00:18:41,783 --> 00:18:43,616
Look, you've gotta help us.
356
00:18:43,622 --> 00:18:47,128
If you don't get your ship off
this crash course, we're all dead.
357
00:18:47,134 --> 00:18:48,431
Well, the bridge is that way.
358
00:18:48,437 --> 00:18:50,052
I'll pretend you escaped.
359
00:18:50,058 --> 00:18:51,434
Won't you get in trouble?
360
00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:54,137
How? Nobody can criticise you here.
361
00:18:54,143 --> 00:18:56,335
Now get going before somebody comes.
362
00:18:56,708 --> 00:18:59,737
Oh, and by the way, you are way
too old to be wearing leather pants.
363
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:03,052
Nobody move! Please.
364
00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:06,463
Did you help them? Did
you betray us, did you?
365
00:19:06,469 --> 00:19:08,578
Yeah, I did, Ziggy.
366
00:19:09,157 --> 00:19:10,555
I betrayed this badge.
367
00:19:10,561 --> 00:19:12,968
I made this uniform, quite frankly...
368
00:19:13,621 --> 00:19:15,516
an object of ridicule.
369
00:19:20,523 --> 00:19:24,353
Well there is no shame in making
mistakes, officer. You may go.
370
00:19:24,938 --> 00:19:26,942
To our visitors...
371
00:19:27,042 --> 00:19:30,365
we need to drain them.
372
00:19:34,144 --> 00:19:35,719
_
373
00:19:37,352 --> 00:19:39,566
Now, we are going to drain you
374
00:19:39,572 --> 00:19:41,662
of all your critical faculties
375
00:19:41,668 --> 00:19:43,263
by removing your inner critic;
376
00:19:43,269 --> 00:19:45,259
that little voice in
your head that stops
377
00:19:45,265 --> 00:19:47,254
you achieving your full potential.
378
00:19:47,260 --> 00:19:50,091
Now you will no longer
turn down opportunities
379
00:19:50,097 --> 00:19:52,176
for fear of failure or humiliation.
380
00:19:52,247 --> 00:19:54,936
You will only feel love for all things.
381
00:19:54,942 --> 00:19:56,645
They're gonna turn us into hippies.
382
00:19:57,442 --> 00:20:00,054
I'm gonna wind up like
that crazy guy on the flute.
383
00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:02,339
Oh, that was Derek.
384
00:20:02,345 --> 00:20:04,251
He used to be a theatre critic.
385
00:20:04,446 --> 00:20:07,577
Oh, he's come so far. Look.
386
00:20:09,265 --> 00:20:11,860
- That's his inner critic.
- Oh, my God!
387
00:20:11,866 --> 00:20:14,453
What's he turned into without me?!
388
00:20:14,459 --> 00:20:17,578
Whatever it is, he's
useless! He'll fail!
389
00:20:17,584 --> 00:20:19,576
He's talentless!
390
00:20:20,950 --> 00:20:22,382
Leave this to me.
391
00:20:22,851 --> 00:20:25,292
As Stand-in Senior
Acting Commanding Officer
392
00:20:25,298 --> 00:20:27,820
of the J.M.C. mining ship Red Dwarf,
393
00:20:27,826 --> 00:20:29,828
and protected as I am,
394
00:20:29,834 --> 00:20:34,519
under Space Corps directive
381-286, Kryten shut up,
395
00:20:38,165 --> 00:20:40,879
I demand that you release
us all immediately,
396
00:20:40,885 --> 00:20:43,386
or at least one of us,
as a gesture of goodwill,
397
00:20:43,392 --> 00:20:45,176
for which I'd like to volunteer.
398
00:20:45,182 --> 00:20:48,171
My friend, you have nothing to fear.
399
00:20:48,177 --> 00:20:51,008
Your happiness awaits,
and you shall be the first.
400
00:20:51,014 --> 00:20:53,021
Let's bottle your inner critic.
401
00:20:55,925 --> 00:21:00,217
Now, let your critical
observations flow forth.
402
00:21:00,223 --> 00:21:03,423
You mean I could end up loving my
parents, and admiring my brothers?
403
00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:07,010
You'll have nothing to remain
dead for! Resist, sir. Resist!
404
00:21:07,016 --> 00:21:09,912
If they remove your inner
critic, you'll be changed forever.
405
00:21:09,918 --> 00:21:11,321
Changed forever?!
406
00:21:11,592 --> 00:21:12,999
Listen to him!
407
00:21:13,624 --> 00:21:18,023
My parents were lovely, wise,
thoughtful, and supportive.
408
00:21:18,128 --> 00:21:19,865
Argh!
409
00:21:19,934 --> 00:21:23,071
Aww! I achieved all my dreams,
410
00:21:23,249 --> 00:21:26,125
- and I'm admired and respected.
- Don't fight it.
411
00:21:26,131 --> 00:21:28,612
Think of your childhood,
were you're happy?
412
00:21:28,618 --> 00:21:30,722
I was so happy!
413
00:21:31,903 --> 00:21:34,111
I can't hold out much longer!
414
00:21:35,401 --> 00:21:36,807
Argh!
415
00:21:37,011 --> 00:21:39,844
My brother, Howard,
was an utter bastard!
416
00:21:41,241 --> 00:21:44,035
As for my parents and the
schools they sent me to,
417
00:21:44,041 --> 00:21:47,495
the exams I've failed, and
the support I never got, and...
418
00:21:47,501 --> 00:21:50,835
why Yvonne McGruder never wanted
to go on a second date with me,
419
00:21:50,841 --> 00:21:53,623
and my sex life was
an absolute shambles;
420
00:21:53,734 --> 00:21:55,425
ever since that day at school
421
00:21:55,431 --> 00:21:57,740
my brother gave me sex advice,
422
00:21:57,746 --> 00:22:00,458
he said the most important
thing was the clitoris,
423
00:22:00,575 --> 00:22:01,880
and I thought what he said was,
424
00:22:01,886 --> 00:22:04,468
"The most important thing
was to spit on her wrist!"
425
00:22:07,094 --> 00:22:09,265
Oh, the looks I used to get.
426
00:22:09,271 --> 00:22:11,500
Wait... slow down.
You... you're criticising
427
00:22:11,506 --> 00:22:13,347
faster than the extractor can cope.
428
00:22:13,353 --> 00:22:14,728
I've hardly started!
429
00:22:14,734 --> 00:22:17,727
Oh, you... your inner
critic's too powerful!
430
00:22:17,733 --> 00:22:20,037
The... the extractor can't process it.
431
00:22:20,043 --> 00:22:21,718
Well, why can't it process it?!
432
00:22:21,724 --> 00:22:23,086
Cheap, damned, Minervan,
433
00:22:23,092 --> 00:22:25,224
negative-energy, inner
critic bottling machines!
434
00:22:25,230 --> 00:22:28,357
Will ya stop criticising! Ooh!
435
00:22:33,335 --> 00:22:34,737
What the hell's that?!
436
00:22:37,691 --> 00:22:39,794
I'm Rimmer's inner critic,
437
00:22:39,997 --> 00:22:42,094
I'm the voice inside
his head that reminds him
438
00:22:42,100 --> 00:22:45,314
he's an idle, good-for-nothing,
under-achieving idiot,
439
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:48,720
who surrounds himself with cretins
to mask his own inadequacies.
440
00:22:48,726 --> 00:22:51,612
He hangs 'round with
other guys, besides us?
441
00:22:52,121 --> 00:22:54,821
Tell it to go away. Tell
it to leave me alone.
442
00:22:55,216 --> 00:22:56,506
You need me.
443
00:22:56,870 --> 00:22:58,238
I protect you.
444
00:22:59,018 --> 00:23:01,373
Remember the school talent contest?
445
00:23:01,653 --> 00:23:03,234
Twelve years old;
446
00:23:03,441 --> 00:23:06,369
you wanted to Morris dance
in front of the entire school.
447
00:23:07,135 --> 00:23:09,149
And you made me chicken out.
448
00:23:09,251 --> 00:23:11,432
We'd have been humiliated!
449
00:23:11,438 --> 00:23:13,910
Same with all those women
I wanted ask out on dates,
450
00:23:13,916 --> 00:23:15,636
you claimed where out of my league.
451
00:23:15,642 --> 00:23:17,147
Of course I did.
452
00:23:17,204 --> 00:23:19,923
Ann Marie was a solid four out of ten.
453
00:23:19,929 --> 00:23:22,207
We're lucky to get threes!
454
00:23:22,213 --> 00:23:25,414
I hate you. You've never
let me take any risks, ever!
455
00:23:25,420 --> 00:23:27,908
I stop you from making
a fool of yourself.
456
00:23:27,914 --> 00:23:29,706
But he's always making
a fool of himself.
457
00:23:29,712 --> 00:23:32,411
Yeah. He is always
making a fool of himself.
458
00:23:32,417 --> 00:23:35,412
So hang on, you're not doing
a very good job, are ya?
459
00:23:36,333 --> 00:23:39,499
You can't criticise me.
I'm his inner critic!
460
00:23:39,505 --> 00:23:42,220
Where were you when Rimmer
was fixing that drive plate,
461
00:23:42,226 --> 00:23:44,796
- wiped out the crew?
- No-one criticises me!
462
00:23:44,802 --> 00:23:46,594
Why didn't you tell
him he wasn't up to it?
463
00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:48,596
I mean, aren't you
supposed to protect him?
464
00:23:48,602 --> 00:23:52,156
- Well, yes, I suppose I...
- So, you failed.
465
00:23:53,116 --> 00:23:54,347
Well...
466
00:23:54,511 --> 00:23:55,939
that's not fair.
467
00:23:56,289 --> 00:23:59,286
I possibly didn't achieve
all the goals I set out to.
468
00:23:59,292 --> 00:24:02,114
You're right. It failed!
469
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:05,326
That's a bit strong,
I didn't fully succeed.
470
00:24:05,332 --> 00:24:07,125
- It failed.
- Failed?
471
00:24:07,317 --> 00:24:10,038
- I can't believe you just said that,
- It failed.
472
00:24:10,044 --> 00:24:12,429
- That's really horrible.
- It failed!
473
00:24:12,435 --> 00:24:13,866
Oh!
474
00:24:15,295 --> 00:24:17,499
- Is it dead?
- Just wounded.
475
00:24:17,505 --> 00:24:19,602
It'll be back one day. Trust me.
476
00:24:19,608 --> 00:24:21,182
Oof!
477
00:24:22,284 --> 00:24:27,339
You achieved a positive end by
using criticism to vanquish a foe!
478
00:24:27,345 --> 00:24:30,548
Because you can't tar all
criticism with one brush.
479
00:24:30,554 --> 00:24:34,644
Yes, I see that now. Perhaps
our philosophy is flawed.
480
00:24:34,650 --> 00:24:36,935
Are you criticising your own philosophy?
481
00:24:36,941 --> 00:24:39,048
I suppose I am.
482
00:24:39,210 --> 00:24:40,492
Wait!
483
00:24:41,367 --> 00:24:44,807
Call together all the
members of the high chamber.
484
00:24:44,994 --> 00:24:49,221
And warn them that I've repealed
the law against criticism.
485
00:24:49,227 --> 00:24:50,464
From this moment on,
486
00:24:50,500 --> 00:24:54,708
everybody can criticise
without fear of penalty.
487
00:24:54,714 --> 00:24:56,532
Release them!
488
00:24:59,864 --> 00:25:01,384
What about Planet Rimmer?
489
00:25:01,390 --> 00:25:03,456
The ship is on a crash descent course
490
00:25:03,462 --> 00:25:06,294
and your engineering department don't
know what the hell they're doing!
491
00:25:06,300 --> 00:25:07,807
We need to get to the engine room.
492
00:25:07,813 --> 00:25:11,291
No need. I'll request our engineers
simply return to their jobs,
493
00:25:11,297 --> 00:25:15,225
and then we'll be out of here in a
brief contraction of forward space.
494
00:25:23,182 --> 00:25:26,762
I've been racking my brains
as to how I could thank you
495
00:25:26,768 --> 00:25:28,488
for showing me a new way to live.
496
00:25:28,494 --> 00:25:31,875
Now my first thought was,
We could upgrade your mech.
497
00:25:32,001 --> 00:25:35,208
Then I thought... No. No,
it's not special enough.
498
00:25:35,214 --> 00:25:38,183
Then I thought, we could
upgrade Red Dwarf's engine,
499
00:25:38,189 --> 00:25:40,095
Uh, make it FTL?
500
00:25:40,101 --> 00:25:43,562
But again I thought... No,
it's not special enough.
501
00:25:43,568 --> 00:25:46,875
I wanted to give you something
that would truly show you
502
00:25:46,881 --> 00:25:49,132
the depth of my gratitude.
503
00:25:50,032 --> 00:25:51,237
For you.
504
00:25:51,377 --> 00:25:53,318
It's my finest work.
505
00:25:58,090 --> 00:26:00,530
Look, don't take this
the wrong way, but, erm...
506
00:26:00,536 --> 00:26:02,450
it's not that good, to be honest.
507
00:26:02,456 --> 00:26:04,004
I repeal the law!
508
00:26:04,185 --> 00:26:06,198
Critics! I need help here.
509
00:26:06,204 --> 00:26:09,295
Drain them! Drain them all!!!
510
00:26:12,509 --> 00:26:16,134
♪ It's cold outside, there's
no kind of atmosphere ♪
511
00:26:16,141 --> 00:26:19,247
♪ I'm all alone, more or less ♪
512
00:26:19,253 --> 00:26:22,645
♪ Let me fly far away from here ♪
513
00:26:22,651 --> 00:26:25,671
♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪
514
00:26:25,677 --> 00:26:29,190
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪
515
00:26:29,196 --> 00:26:32,909
♪ I want to lie shipwrecked
and comatose ♪
516
00:26:32,915 --> 00:26:36,035
♪ Drinking fresh mango juice ♪
517
00:26:36,041 --> 00:26:39,462
♪ Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes ♪
518
00:26:39,468 --> 00:26:42,331
♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪
519
00:26:42,337 --> 00:26:46,069
♪ In the sun, sun, sun ♪
520
00:26:46,075 --> 00:26:48,963
♪ Fun, fun, fun ♪
521
00:26:48,969 --> 00:26:53,201
♪ In the sun, sun, sun. ♪